There is so much more to life than being on a diet.
Have you ever gone to a picnic during the summer while on a “diet”
and spent more time calculating numbers, scoping out the food options, and building
complete anxiety over the fact that everything has mayonnaise and you can’t eat
fucking mayonnaise because it’s too high in calories???
I have. I have done this at many events. I have foregone the
cake or the cookie and not in a way that made me feel triumphant in my defeat
of “bad choices,” but in a way that I felt like I was denying myself something
I would really enjoy.
I have left events, been moody or antisocial, because my
food anxiety (or if I gave in to the chocolate trifle layered with chocolate
cake, chocolate pudding, whipped cream and crushed candy bars) my food guilt
has been too much to handle.
Before I learned that my whole body works best by being mindful
and balanced, I tortured myself with food guilt.
I have spent so many nights either unable to sleep or waking
up in the middle of the night over food guilt. Instead of watching a movie or
reading a book I would lay in bed and try to take account of every single bite
of food I put in my mouth. I would bite lip, cry, pray, and promise myself that
I would do better the next day. Those nights were the ones that weren’t so bad.
The worst ones where the nights when I would forget to count something in. A
donut, a cupcake, a grilled cheese, something would wake me up from a deep
sleep and shock me into reality that maybe my “good day” wasn’t really that
good at all.
It took me a long time to learn balance and some days I still
truly have none. I did this through connecting with others who have the same
thoughts and feelings that I do about weight, body, and food and talking this out.
We formed a ring of support; we have come up with plans and ideas. We have conference
called one another in moments of food despair. Most importantly, we have softened
each other’s hearts towards the feelings we have for ourselves.
Learning that there was life beyond the diet was incredible
for me. Learning to listen to my body was a very slow process, but as I kept
going it was easier than I thought. On days I’m tired, I go for a walk, on days
I feel strong I go do a full body sweaty workout, when I’m hungry I eat, when I’m
not then I don’t. Sometimes I’m satisfied with a half of a cookie, sometimes it
takes three.
Go to the picnic, the party, or most importantly that first
date you know you’re afraid to go on because you’re afraid to order dinner in
front of him/her (yep, done that too… wonder what ever happened to those guys
haha) because this is life, not a prison sentence we feel we need to serve to
our bodies.
Laugh, smile, enjoy the moment and the company around you
and eat the fucking cupcake.
Happy Motivational Monday!
