Skinny and unhealthy

Sexy and strong

I always thought that I were just skinny, everything else in my life would be perfect.

I would make more money, have an A-list relationship, everyone would like me, I would look a magazine cover and be the happiest girl in the world.

Well let me tell you how that worked out.

The picture you see on the top was the skinniest I’d ever been. I couldn’t believe that I could walk around finally and feel like a normal person in the world (stupid, right?). I was rocking a size small, doing marathon sized workouts every day and eating at most six hundred calories a day. I was starving. I was on the verge of tears (but it’s okay because it was just because I was tired), I couldn’t sleep because I was so insanely hungry, I lived and died by the scale number – sometimes weighing in multiple times a day, only eating if I felt like the daily loss was big enough.

Wow, if that doesn’t look like happiness to you, I don’t know what does?

I hated my life. I liked my body, but I hated my life, and needless to say, that was evident in my change of personality.

I can also say that same personality change was noticeable when I packed the weight back on and found myself unhealthy on the other side of things.

How did I find balance?

Well, first things first, my beautiful friend and life coach Carey tried for years to get me to ditch the scale. My response was always, “well how will I know what I am?”

My value was in my number. My number! My number was the only thing I used to define me!

Your number and my number mean nothing. It is your relationship to gravity.

It took me about four years to finally do it, but I ditched the scale and hold my value to a remarkable standard of character, kindness, and happiness.

I also started listening to my body. I started to incorporate foods I actually wanted and enjoyed them. I eat cake, pizza, and tacos, as much as I eat quinoa, spinach and fish. I don’t schedule it out, I listen to what my body tells me in the moment. I know that if I binge there will be an emotional result in my future so I eat until I’ve satisfied my cravings and move on.

It’s okay to talk about our food, relationships, or just general life issues openly because once we do that, the right support system will gravitate your way. You will realize that you’re not alone in any of these issues because most of us struggle in silence.

As some of you know, I attend a program that makes me account for my number ever week.

I ask not to know it. I don’t look at my statistical information. I use my peers as my support when I feel like I’d rather not eat that day or purge a binge that never actually happened.

I now use my knowledge of what it feels like to have lived a life of food disorders to help others. I love it. I now realize that all those life lessons were thrown my way with a purpose.

My focused has shifted from skinny to sexy and sexy is not a number for me.

Sexy is healthy, strong, confident, kind, grateful and so much more.

Don’t forget, if you don’t like kale, don’t eat it, and if you want the slice of chocolate cake eat it somewhere where you can savor every last bite (not over the kitchen sink).

Happy Transformation Tuesday!